Sunday, December 4, 2011

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I officially have less than two weeks left here in Glasgow. My time here as alternately flown by and dragged on. In some ways there are things I'm going to miss about being here, and there are other things that just make me want to go home faster. Like this week I had the worst paper I've ever had to write due (not really, but it sure felt like it) and all I wanted to due was curl up with my little weeble wobble, who is apparently not weeble wobbling as much lately.

I warned you that I might disappear for a while, but I am still sorry that it happened. Most of the past month has been spent writing stupid essays. Hmpf. At least I only have one more semester at Rutgers before I'm done for real. The idea of graduation scares the shit out of me but at the same time I can't wait to be done with school. No more footnotes or citations. Exams start this week, and while I only have two, I'm still starting to get a bit nervous about them. I've been feeling kinda squirrely for a while though, and it's not helping much. 

I was able to go back to Dun Laoghaire for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing people again. We had a nice quiet evening with good food. It always amazes me how much it soothes my soul to see them and listen to them and talk with them. I miss them already, hell I missed them when they went home.


I don't really know what to say today. Yesterday, I had it all worked out in my head. I was going to tell you about how great it felt to spend time with Cli, and not leave her house for the first time since I left home because we were too busy talking about everything and nothing and catching up. I was gonna talk about classes ending, and Mom coming here next weekend, and how I feel a bit like things are spiraling out of control. But instead, I think I'm just going to say, Hi, I'm still alive, and in one piece. I miss you guys, whoever you are, if you're reading this. I haven't heard much news about what's going on at home, and I can't wait to catch up and be home. 

I'm doing okay. Lets be honest for a minute shall we? When I spent last fall in Dublin, there were ups and downs, and the thing they never tell you when you sign up for study abroad? The highs are really really high, but the lows can be pretty low. Someone I was making friends with kept asking questions and picking at things I didn't want to talk about about a month ago. It put me in such a bad mood. All I wanted to do was go home where I didn't have to explain the inconsistencies with my behavior or my tendency to run away from things because the people at home know why and they know when to stop pushing. But this person didn't and I couldn't explain why he needed to stop without explaining things. It put me in such a mood. At home it would have taken me a few hours to shake it off, but here? Two weeks. It took me two weeks to shake it properly. 

They don't tell you that things that were easy to do at home will suddenly become so much more complicated. They don't tell you that you'll suddenly have to be aware of and sometimes defend your behavior to people you don't really know. They don't tell you that if you're not careful, you'll wallow in things you wouldn't normally wallow in, and homesickness is a kind of depression that you have to work at constantly to not be swamped by it.  You have to learn not to let songs like this one or this one grab hold of you and take you back to that point of wallowing. The trick is remembering that things can get better. I'm working on that.  I still want to go home, even knowing once I do I'll just want to come back, but things are getting better. Just in time for me to turn tail and disappear quietly.

Oh well. Such is life. That's all for now. Till next time, be well. 

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